Reflective

Dear, well, you know who you are,

2

Up until the first appointment with Dr Barua at Southmead on September the 27th, Nige had been adamant that all in Nottingham need not be told of his illness. It’s astounding to me that this was such an easy wish to comply with, that our connection with family there was so vague we could go for weeks and not be asked a single thing about our health or wellbeing. Not a phone call, text message, birthday cards… There was, of course, a slim chance his mum would phone and then I would need to explain (at this point Nige didn’t answer any phone) but in all those weeks, that never happened. On being told on the 27th, that the tumour appeared to be a particularly aggressive cancerous one on the frontal lobe of the brain and incredibly difficult to remove, we were advised that this was a ‘life changing diagnosis’ and so, together, we decided Nottingham needed to know.

I made the initial phone call alone. There really was only one person to talk to, that we most trusted to sympathetically share the news with his mum, and that was Sandra, Nigel’s younger sister. She did an admirable job, consoling, listening and, by the end, releasing all her tears and sadness for me to share in. Of all my dealings with the family over the last 27 years, this was the most connected I’d ever felt. Bizarre, that.

The next evening I rang Nigel’s mum. I knew she’d been told and I imagined all the questions she would have that Sandra couldn’t have answered. In complete contrast to the previous night, this was a measured, calm exchange of words. I purposely didn’t use the word cold because the implication of that is of an uncaring nature and I don’t believe that to be the case at all. I have a very frank and honest relationship with my mother-in-law, as I have said before, I waste no needless platitudes or compassion on the unworthy. She is a soul, however, who deserves the compassion of others yet seldom knows how to deal with it – I get that completely, in that respect I think we’re similar. But in just about every other, we are not. After that first call she rang often. It wasn’t until her third call that she asked how her grandsons were coping.

By this point we were very open to visitors. Gabriel had spoken to his dad about the full implications of his condition, about how to accept it in order to fight it and about the strength to be got from human interaction. I proudly listened, silently sobbed and completely agreed with all he said and as a result, we cried openly and accepted the hugging arms of all who crossed our threshold, from close friends and family to work colleagues and bosses. We welcomed it all. To this date though (a fortnight post-op) we haven’t had the pleasure of a visit from the Midlands.

*

The morning after Nigel’s very successful operation we descended en masse with a tub of his Rhubarb and Custard sweets. He was up and shuffling about, bound in a rather fetching head bandage and with his Louis XIV stockings to prevent thrombosis or something. His language was foul though; every other word being ‘fuck’ or ‘fucking’ and his choice adjective to describe those he disliked being ‘cunt’. The boys and Ali have learnt a lot about his hatred for ‘Brexit loving Tory cunts’ in the past month! Initially funny, then a little tiresome, I took this phase for just that; a phase. Nige had had his head opened and his brain manipulated. He’d gone into the theatre with the most fantastic attitude and stayed chatting to his team for the majority of the six hours it took to remove the tumour. Now if that isn’t a reason for profanities I don’t know what is… Shit, I half expected him to be speaking only German, foul is, at least, a language I understand.

“My mind is just completely open. A gaping skull. I see & think about everything, not just the now but the whole future.” 

“So when we talk to you about ‘next steps’ you can’t grasp that concept?”

“No, I see it all in it’s entirety.”

After just three days – three days! – in hospital, I took a very relieved husband back home to his family. Harrison and Ali had cooked a special chicken dish for his home-coming and we sat together to eat. That was on Monday the 10th of October. We eat together most of the time these days. We play more board games, have more conversations and know each other far better than before.

So in conclusion to this part of our journey, I can only say Nigel’s strength, his optimism and his energy have completely overwhelmed me. Only in the darkest hours of night do I allow myself to think of a grim future without him, the tears soak the pillow and my heart breaks. But when morning comes again, and he’s there by my side with a coffee in hand and his full itinerary for the day ahead, the future’s bright. Every fucking day I marvel at his recovery. I am left in complete wonder at how his thoughts are knitting back together, how he just manages to make every day one of purpose is beyond me. But he does it, he does it with bells on, that beautiful man of mine.

 

 

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5 thoughts on “Dear, well, you know who you are,

    • Thank you Sharon. It’s been a journey of extremely mixed emotions so far; although every day starts the same, no two days are in any way similar – it’s quite a time of contradictions and misnomers! It sounds very much like you know exactly what I’m saying though, so I send much love and strength back to you and yours xxxxx

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  1. Tracey Dawson says:

    Your words match the power of your strength. Giving you your privacy as is justly so does not diminish the fact my thoughts have been with you throughout your life altering experiences.

    Like

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